the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
