I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i will never coherently bang her
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
