i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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