I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
