Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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