apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize