he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
