Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
