There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
