I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
