she woke up with a sticky ear
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
my shit smells like andre
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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