How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
