Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
