they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
