I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
