I'm passing your future prison.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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