She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
