I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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