i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He kissed a someone with a penis
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize