i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
