I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
