that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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