So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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