he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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