Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
