I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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