6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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