Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
