he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
