I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize