i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
