I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You ate ashes out of my bong
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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