Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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