Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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