I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
