We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
