Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
