If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
