i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
