Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Two words: blizzard sex
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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