I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
