It's Friday. Sex?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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