I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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