i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
