I wish I could teleport
If that was your dad, he is hot
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
