I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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