What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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