your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
