You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
