Who did Billy Mays play for?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
