Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
