Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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