I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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