OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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