He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
