That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
