My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
