Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
