I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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