your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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