don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
