Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
