if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
