So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
