my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
