maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
